Put the DVD down, and your hands up!

Dear Movie Studios,

I always thought you wanted me to like your movie -- even when I know that you know that it sucks.

But after enduring another DVD screener with security warnings and water marks sprayed like graffitti over 2/3 of the screen for 2/3 of the movie, I'm pretty convinced that you don't.

In fact, it seems like you're just being mean. You are calling me a thief after all. What else am I supposed to think of your ridiculously elaborate security measures, which now include special PIN numbers to watch the DVD?

I am a professional person doing a job. If you don't agree, then why are you sending me the DVD in the first place? So let me do my job. Let me SEE THE MOVIE.

It's hard enough to give a film the attention it deserves when you're watching it on your living room television. Your incessantly flashing warnings and reminders that ACME Studios owns this movie don't help.

I get it. People are stealing your content. It's a huge problem and I'm sure your stockholders don't like it one bit. But you can't possibly think that a bunch of renegade movie critics are the culprits? That would require them to actually do something besides watch movies and argue about them with their friends.

So while we're jumping through all of your security hoops, your threats to fine us or send us to jail, the hurtfulness of your unspoken accusations (cue tiny violins, please), the real thieves are downloading, sharing and selling your movies on street corners in China and in some teenager's bedroom.

But you're paranoid, I know. And I kind of don't blame you. But I also don't have to like it. Which means I'll be sitting there, watching your movie on my TV-- and not liking it.

I'm just saying.